When I was five, I wanted to be important, not a political figure. I wanted to be important to the ones I love. I wanted family, friends, and security in the knowledge that, at least to my partners, I would be important to them.

Time has certainly changed some of my views on what I want to be when I grow up, but mostly, I don’t care if I’m important anymore; I just want to be loved, and rich would be nice too.

There are so many different ways to be loved and many ways to be rich, but I want it all. I want to love and be loved by my circle. I want to be rich in experience. I don’t think cash-rich is what I mean by rich, but I like money. I want to be rich in partners and kids, rich in decision options.

I find it incredibly interesting, upon self reflection, that at an early age, I wanted to serve. At one point I believed that was in the military, sometime around my teen years I wanted to be a pastor. Yeah not happening but I did want to write, to bring new worlds to life. To help heal wounds. I wanted to save people.

I think that most of all I want the power to do the right thing. What is the right thing though? In the moment, I believe that to do the right thing, it requires love.

Love is hard and easy but most of all messy. I really like getting messy, so it fits. MGA and I are a good example of messy. 

My life has been hard, not the struggle to belong to a certain group, but against what my body decided to do when it let me down.

Daily I wake up, check my sugars count, take insulin, and eat because I must to live. Combined the medication as well as food, I am continuing to fight against what the human design team decided was an acceptable flaw in the programming.

I’m no longer upset but accept that it seems that it is Infact an acceptable flaw, because without it, I’d never have been in a coma. I’d never have had to work through this struggle I am attempting to describe, the one in which I met my guardian angel.

When I was nine or ten, I met both angels as fell as fallen ones. I don’t think anyone believes that I have, so I will tell you this. They gave me a choice on what I wanted my life to transform into. I told them that I want to be powerful, to have special powers. I wanted to be a juicer, like what Bruce Banner becomes when he goes from smart to become the lean green fighting machine. I wanted to live life to it’s extreme, I wanted to be able to smoke and quit when it was time. I wanted the power, and fortitude of will to be able to say no. I wanted the power to relinquish control, to serve the one destiny has marked as mine.

The pair of angels left me, and for a few years they stayed away from my sight. The return they made shook me to the core and on a cellular level I was changed. They had flipped the switch on my pancreas, turned the fucking life saving organ off!

To be fair, they gave me a choice in how I rolled my dice, it was this or some other body change that they were going to make in which I would have no choice. They told me just prior to flipping the switch, is that I would struggle, and lose, I’d also win and while I wouldn’t see them after they gave me the twist of fate soon to come.

One day they said, I would find the one destiny has marked for me. She would bring conflict but would be my rock and salvation from the ravages my choices I’ve made in life. She would heal me, guide me and teach me her way to love. She would enthral my mind with her song and voice… she would have many lovers and she would be the one I could relinquish control to.

I did meet her you know, might be reading this now. I love you Angel ❤️